Giving thanks

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I figured it is a perfect time to reflect on some of the things I'm grateful for this year. Of course, I'm not glad I got cancer. However, even given that reality, there are still plenty reasons to give thanks. There isn't room or time to mention everything for which I am grateful, but here are some of the highlights.

I am thankful that:

I found the tumor at all but especially in time to do something about it.

The diagnoses of my two friends prompted me to get the tumor checked, even though I was sure it couldn't be cancer...

I had a nice vacation in April before my diagnosis.

My mastectomy surgery was successful in removing the tumor with clean margins.

My lymph nodes were clear.

My parents were able to visit while I was recovering from surgery.

We got spots in a good, publicly subsidized daycare for both kids and that they are happy there.

I made it through six rounds of chemotherapy.

I have a nicely shaped head. It made hair loss just a little more tolerable.

I got so much invaluable advice and support from my friends who have/had breast cancer.

I had excellent care throughout my treatment. I feel truly blessed to have had such caring and competent surgeons, oncologists, and oncology nurses.

Nurse Leila caught the cause of my hideous side effects after the fourth round of chemo.

I hardly had to pay anything for all that outstanding care.

I have so many friends who stepped up to give their support in a variety of ways: accompanying me to chemo, preparing meals, taking Leila on outings, babysitting, checking in on me, distracting me, visiting me, sending care packages and emails/cards/texts of good wishes, and much more. THANK YOU ALL!!!

My husband still finds me attractive after all I've been through...

I don't have to do radiation or additional Herceptin treatments so I am officially done with cancer treatment just in time for the holidays!!

I get to spend Christmas and New Year's in California with my family.

I can "start over" in 2012.

I am also incredibly thankful for my two sweet daughters. Although it was hard work to fulfill parenting duties on top of cancer treatment, having that to focus on was good distraction. They have both done so well throughout this process, and I hope they will be stronger for it in the long run.

On that note, I have one more thing to mention. Both girls stayed home from daycare today because they had dental check ups. Of course, I'm thankful that we all survived the appointments and that both girls have healthy teeth. Moreover, I'm so happy that Elisa chose to take her first steps today while home with me instead of at daycare! I've missed a lot over the last six months and am thankful I didn't miss this:

I wish everyone, near and far, a very happy Thanksgiving surrounded by family and/or friends. Thank you for being a part of my life.

It ain't over until the fat lady sings!

Forgive me for not sounding overwhelmingly excited today. Although yesterday was my sixth and last chemotherapy session, I don't yet feel "done" with my cancer treatment. First of all, sitting in a chair with an IV hooked up to my arm isn't the hard part. The worst is yet to come when all the side effects hit like a ton of bricks over the next few days. So I feel I'll be more able to celebrate (at least the end of chemo) after I'm through the aftermath.

Secondly, I have a meeting with the oncologist on November 22, when it will be decided what steps are next. I'm actually dreading that appointment. When I got the original pathology results on my tumor, the surgeon told me I would need chemotherapy but not radiation. However, when I met with the oncologist for the first time, she said, "Well, we might want to do radiation. We'll see." So there's a possibility that she'll decide on the 22nd that I should do it. That would be 5-6 weeks of daily radiation appointments. (Crap.) In addition, the nurse yesterday mentioned that the oncologist may also encourage me to do Herceptin treatments every three weeks for the next year. (Double crap.) Of course, I want to do whatever will give me the best chances of survival and will minimize recurrence, but I've honestly had it with this torture and would like to avoid any more, if not absolutely necessary.

Plus, I really, really wanted to be done with my treatments before we leave for the US in December. I was so looking forward to being able to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends without a black cloud of additional procedures hanging over my head. I wanted to come back in January and start over with trying resume a "normal" life (although I'm not really sure what that is now...).

So a lot is hinging on that oncology appointment. I even tried to move the appointment up to get it over with sooner, but there were no availabilities before that date. I just have to wait.

Mentally, it's also hard to wrap my head around the fact that my routine for the last 5+ months is over. Odd to say, but when the majority of my recent life has revolved around this every three week schedule, it seems a bit strange not to have that anchor anymore. There was something predictable and stable about the routine, even though parts of it were miserable.

NOW what do I do? Of course, I have a million tasks that have been piling up waiting for me to feel better. Before my diagnosis, I also had plans to take intensive Finnish classes and look for a job. However, all these things now seem so overwhelming (and many so tedious) that it's hard to fathom where to start.

I saw this quote today, which seemed fitting:

The last 6 months certainly have changed me profoundly- physically, mentally and emotionally. I honestly don't know who "I" am anymore. Of course, I'm still a woman, wife, mother, friend, public health professional, etc- just not the same ones I was before. It's going to take me some time to redefine myself and find a new "me." Once I make some progress on that, I might feel like my time as a cancer patient is finally behind me.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout my treatment so far, and thank you for all the congratulatory messages. I just hope you can all understand why I'm not yet jumping for joy. Hopefully, that time will come soon, perhaps even by the end of the month. Meanwhile, please continue to lend your encouragement as I enter this next phase of my recovery. Somehow I have a feeling that the emotional healing will be an even greater challenge than the physical.

However, so that I don't end this post on a low note, I'll share another great quote I read today. I don't quite know if I can do this, but I'm sure as heck going to try. In the same vein as trying to seize the day and make the most of the present, I'm also going to try to be happy in whatever state I'm in currently. "Fake it until you make it," right?