Some of you might recall Leila's earlier fascination with nipples. Once she learned what hers were and that everyone has them, she would frequently point out that, "Leila has two nipples, Daddy has two nipples, Mommy has two nipples, and Halisa (aka Elisa) has two nipples. Everybody has two nipples!"
The other day Leila saw me getting dressed and asked me about my "ouch" (surgical scar). While she's seen it before, I think she got a better look this time and had a serious concern. She said (pointing at my right breast), "There you have one nipple, but where is your other nipple?"
My heart sank at the thought of having to try to explain it to her. I knew I needed to be honest with her, but how the heck do you explain this situation to a three-year-old?? So I told her that my breast was sick and that it had to be taken away and that the nipple was taken away with it. She pondered that for a minute and then asked, "Then later you can get a new one?" I guess, in theory, I can. However, I was told I have to be cancer-free for 3 years before they'll consider any reconstruction...
Tonight she put up a huge fight about going to bed. I explained to her that I'm really tired and that I need her to be a good helper and go to bed. She asked if I am tired because I'm sick, and I said yes. Then she asked, "So you will get better soon, and then you won't be tired anymore?" I had to tell her it's going to be a while before I'm better.
Although I've been conscious of these facts at least since my surgery, I haven't been dwelling on them. I've been trying to focus on moving forward and doing what has to be done to get well. I've been ignoring my symptoms and pretending that I feel fine, in the hopes that pretending will make it true. However, having to explain the reality to Leila made it all the more real... and heartbreaking.
5 comments:
I sooooooo get how you are feeling, but please remember that your (my) kids will not remember this little blip on the radar of their lives.
I have tried not to let the kids see me naked since my surgery but I am starting to not be as uptight about it. This is what I am going to look like for a while and I have tried to be more Finnish about nudity than American since we moved back. ;) Emily just points at the scars and says "Mommy has boo-boos" over and over again. Raymond has not said anything yet but I am expecting if he looks closely, he'll eventually ask why I only have 1 nipple.
Sending lots of love!!!!
My heart goes out to you and your family. Hang in there.
You are such a brave and courageous woman! My Mother probably could have been European because she never had any inhibitions about nudity. As a breast cancer survivor, she never really hid her scars from any of us even the younger grandchildren. We all jokingly made comments about "Mona" (our nickname for the brand name of an Amoena prothesis) which is what we all loveingly called the prothesis she wore for over 26 years. As I read each of your posts, I am reminded of my Mother and how even at her recent funeral in April as I stood with my sister and brother looking at her body in the casket, I asked "where is Mona?" because it appeared that her prothesis was not there. My sister says, "she's in there! as she reaches down and rearranges Mona "she just needs to be adjusted!" I share this with you not to be irrevant, but so you will know that there are so many stories of women like you that need to be shared like the stories of your experience that you have so bravely put on this blog for all the world to read. Keep writing my friend even those of us with two nipples need to hear your story!
@Amanda- That's what I keep hoping! I didn't let Leila see me right after the surgery because the drains and stitches, etc would have been too scary. However, since I'm not able to have reconstruction anytime soon, my current appearance will be the norm for a while. I hope she'll get used to it soon enough.
@Martha- That's hilarious! My prosthesis happens to be an Amoena also. Maybe I should find a pet name for mine, too. :) It's interesting that your Mother had her prosthesis for so many years. I'd think it would be kind of a hassle, but maybe she got attached to it? I'm still planning on reconstruction, but I've got plenty of time to rethink that. Thanks for sharing another perspective!
From my friend Spring (pushed the wrong button & deleted it by mistake):
this broke my heart a little too. but it seems like leila is growing up into a thoughtful girl... which means you have been doing a fantastic job! love you.
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