It ain't over until the fat lady sings!

Forgive me for not sounding overwhelmingly excited today. Although yesterday was my sixth and last chemotherapy session, I don't yet feel "done" with my cancer treatment. First of all, sitting in a chair with an IV hooked up to my arm isn't the hard part. The worst is yet to come when all the side effects hit like a ton of bricks over the next few days. So I feel I'll be more able to celebrate (at least the end of chemo) after I'm through the aftermath.

Secondly, I have a meeting with the oncologist on November 22, when it will be decided what steps are next. I'm actually dreading that appointment. When I got the original pathology results on my tumor, the surgeon told me I would need chemotherapy but not radiation. However, when I met with the oncologist for the first time, she said, "Well, we might want to do radiation. We'll see." So there's a possibility that she'll decide on the 22nd that I should do it. That would be 5-6 weeks of daily radiation appointments. (Crap.) In addition, the nurse yesterday mentioned that the oncologist may also encourage me to do Herceptin treatments every three weeks for the next year. (Double crap.) Of course, I want to do whatever will give me the best chances of survival and will minimize recurrence, but I've honestly had it with this torture and would like to avoid any more, if not absolutely necessary.

Plus, I really, really wanted to be done with my treatments before we leave for the US in December. I was so looking forward to being able to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends without a black cloud of additional procedures hanging over my head. I wanted to come back in January and start over with trying resume a "normal" life (although I'm not really sure what that is now...).

So a lot is hinging on that oncology appointment. I even tried to move the appointment up to get it over with sooner, but there were no availabilities before that date. I just have to wait.

Mentally, it's also hard to wrap my head around the fact that my routine for the last 5+ months is over. Odd to say, but when the majority of my recent life has revolved around this every three week schedule, it seems a bit strange not to have that anchor anymore. There was something predictable and stable about the routine, even though parts of it were miserable.

NOW what do I do? Of course, I have a million tasks that have been piling up waiting for me to feel better. Before my diagnosis, I also had plans to take intensive Finnish classes and look for a job. However, all these things now seem so overwhelming (and many so tedious) that it's hard to fathom where to start.

I saw this quote today, which seemed fitting:

The last 6 months certainly have changed me profoundly- physically, mentally and emotionally. I honestly don't know who "I" am anymore. Of course, I'm still a woman, wife, mother, friend, public health professional, etc- just not the same ones I was before. It's going to take me some time to redefine myself and find a new "me." Once I make some progress on that, I might feel like my time as a cancer patient is finally behind me.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout my treatment so far, and thank you for all the congratulatory messages. I just hope you can all understand why I'm not yet jumping for joy. Hopefully, that time will come soon, perhaps even by the end of the month. Meanwhile, please continue to lend your encouragement as I enter this next phase of my recovery. Somehow I have a feeling that the emotional healing will be an even greater challenge than the physical.

However, so that I don't end this post on a low note, I'll share another great quote I read today. I don't quite know if I can do this, but I'm sure as heck going to try. In the same vein as trying to seize the day and make the most of the present, I'm also going to try to be happy in whatever state I'm in currently. "Fake it until you make it," right?